a diddakoi and her travelling caravan

The balmy feeling on a very windy day, when it just might rain, but it just might not. The simple euphoria of being on the edge of crazy weather. Unexpected laughter that bursts from you, at what a colleague said, a colleague you thought so far was shy and quiet. A warm hug from a friend you haven't seen for a year, who hugs you though you are grubby and tired after a long hard day. That first taste, just as you bite into an almond, or a peice of feta cheese, when you come home raving hungry after a long day. The love that bubbles up like champagne when a dog you don't know, decides to like you and play with you. A funny you tube video, that shows talent, sheer fun, humor, art and love of life is not about contemporary notions of beauty and perfection. But the way human spirits shine as bright as the sun through all the imperfections. The relief at the end of a long period of self-doubt, when you come across a book, have a chance conversation, or hear something in a talk that g...

Yes. I am. Envious. Of some people on FB. For instance, a long-ago boy, who was once a good friend. He's just married, well one year, and they've splashed romantic duo pics all over their albums. Happy, smiley, doing the settled and married thing. I've looked, with guilty feelings, more than once at these albums. And similar such albums of other friends, who've done the married with children/etc sort of thing. And end up the evening with the bitter taste of resentment. Envy is an uncomfortable emotion. Less 'bad' among the vices one can have, it still remains a vice. And can lead to other ugly vices as well. In Sri Lanka, there's a thing called 'As-weha/kata-weha' (poison eyes, poison mouth). That the envy of others seeing your good fortune can bring ill-luck. Hence, there is the constant jealous guarding of one's good things, hiding them away from the prying and malicious eyes of others around. From my own experience, I feel there may be some tr...

Ahh, an empty house, a chilly Saturday night, and a fast internet connection. The mice have gone out partying, and cat reigns!

Every now and then, I get this message when I start to use my mobile phone: " sim card busy, try later". I am also often asked, 'send message?", when I have not touched the phone for hours. I am starting to get suspicious. Especially after I read this article in the New Scientist, suggesting that technological evolution is the third stage of evolution (biological and cultural evolution being the first and second). My phone seems to be creating a life of its own. Am I just paranoid? Is it connecting with other mobiles on my address book, and have they all formed a secret community of their own? Is there a technological 'soup', where the sparks, and amino acids, and polymers have interacted a little too frequently, and mobile phones have discovered for instance, exciting things like sex and food? Is my phone having relationships with my friends' phones? I can sort of get my head around that, but if it dares bring my families' phones into it, I am going...

Having faced the worst, maybe there is a 'pain solstice' or point of equilibrium, where it can get so bad, it just can't get any worse. Just like July 21st in Australia is the day of the winter solstice, which has the longest night in the year, my pain may finally peak at a solstice. Suddenly, it stops getting so cold anymore, and there's still daylight after 6 pm. I guess if I can stand in the midnight of the worst kinds of pain, without running away from it, daylight does start to show again after awhile.

The worst, or maybe best part about pain, is I think it can be exchanged. When I am in deep pain I have lashed out at the people closest to me. Aside from the fact that I lose my normal tolerance of other people's mistakes or hurts, there is something deeper in me, that perhaps wants to pass on my pain. I am angry at the happiness of others, at the unfair allocation of suffering between us. I wonder if causing another person to suffer the consequences of my pain makes it more bearable to me. So here, I can say, there are some units of pain, that I have transacted to another person. But I can also take on someone's pain. Perhaps the hardest part is allowing myself to be someone else's punching bag, and yet maintain my love and friendship for that person. While not losing my own dignity and self respect, or internalising false messages that person may be saying to me about myself. But to do this, I need to have suffered at least as deeply as the other person is, to have that ...

If pain can be purchased, how can I set a price on it? Pain can be value-less in some cases, where there is no gain at all from going through that experience of pain, not even greater courage to face future pain. Not even the lesson to not put myself into situations that create such kinds of pain. Pain can be invaluable in other cases. Having gone through deep hurt and suffering, my perceptions of pain can change. I can overlook small hurts caused by other people, I can tolerate injections, needles for blood tests, and even rejection by someone I care deeply for. Having faced the worst, I also know that there is a 'pain solstice'. Just like July 21st in Australia is the day of the winter solstice, which has the longest night in the year, my pain will finally peak at a solstice. Suddenly, it stops getting so cold anymore, and there's still daylight after 6 pm. I guess if I can stand in the midnight of the worst kinds of pain, without running away from it, daylight does start...