Reflections on giving negative feedback to humans
Having been on the side of 'being supervised' in my thesis for the last 3 years, I have forgotten how hard it is to be on the other side. Call it the 'bad side'.
Giving a person feedback is not easy. Just now I had to have a 'talk' with the cleaner, playing the role of a 'bad' cop, where my partner is the kind one.
The cleaner had been missing a lot of work in the house and last week left all the gas on. My partner came home to house smelling of gas. The fact that the lady had helped herself to snacks from the cupboard was also a bit irritating.
So, I had the chat.
Was it hard, my friend. Trying to have an even tone, being fair, and still sticking to the point, all not easy skills to express. It creates a lot of stress in a person who generally wants to please, be kind.
Yet I have to keep reminding myself that kindness does not equal weakness. In the face of bad behavior, carelessness, general laziness, kindness does not mean that we turn the blind eye. Because under the surface, isn't that a form of unkindness, really?
What I mean is that allowing people to harm us, albeit there are different degrees of harm along the spectrum, aren't we creating conditions for that sort of habit to be carried over to other people in their circles? From my own personal experience, having someone stand-up and challenge me on some behavior of mine that is inappropriate makes me more mindful of this and gives me impetus to examine it and change. Hopefully to be a better person.
Another idea I recently heard on a course on non-violence being conducted by California Berkeley, is that when a person harms another person, they are doing damage to themselves, to their psyches. The example of soldiers returning from the Iraq war is given, where a study showed that those who had committed acts of violence were more prone to post-traumatic stress and depression. This was in comparison to those who had even arms or legs blown off, who adopted a more camaraderie attitude to their loss.
Prophet Mohammed was asked by someone from a group of people who were being oppressed, sir, what is the kindest thing I can do to my oppressor? The reply was that it was to prevent that person from oppressing you.
Back to the supervision of other people and providing them with honest feedback.
I recall many times in my life, with my job, where my supervisors provided me with no negative feedback at all. Looking back, I see now that it harmed me in the long-run, because it did not give me the opportunity to grow, and improve my capacities in that area. Not knowing where I stood with them, also was a source of stress. I often felt I was in a guessing game, where I had to try to read covert signals about where I stood with them.
I have a supervisor now, who used to be very daunting to me by the very abrasive nature of the feedback. Now I find that once I give her ten minutes to vent the bile out of her system about my latest chapter, she is much more easier and straight forward to deal with, than the other supervisor who seems to act quite covertly.
Yesterday I was chatting to a colleague about her experience of supervising a master's student. She told me how hard it was for this guy to take on board her feedback on his thesis, and how he would become defensive, annoyed and frustrated. He accused her and the other supervisor of destroying his creativity. Knowing my colleague, I know that her feedback would be sensitive, and very carefully thought with not an ounce of the bile my own supervisor has. He hardly realizes how lucky he is in that respect.
Yet I am of the opinion that being able to maintain sense of self and identity in the process of negative feedback is a crucial skill of human survival. Child raising techniques that cotton and cushion every harsh word or thought and schools where children are only praised, are only setting a person up for huge amounts of angst and stress in the future.
Rather teach a child or adult that no, they are not the perfect princes and princesses of mama, but instead flawed human beings, whose life will be one continuous distilling process to making them into the final perfection at the moment it is time to move on.
Teachability and bringing in a sense of humility in that learning is one of the greatest of virtues in my opinion.
Giving a person feedback is not easy. Just now I had to have a 'talk' with the cleaner, playing the role of a 'bad' cop, where my partner is the kind one.
The cleaner had been missing a lot of work in the house and last week left all the gas on. My partner came home to house smelling of gas. The fact that the lady had helped herself to snacks from the cupboard was also a bit irritating.
So, I had the chat.
Was it hard, my friend. Trying to have an even tone, being fair, and still sticking to the point, all not easy skills to express. It creates a lot of stress in a person who generally wants to please, be kind.
Yet I have to keep reminding myself that kindness does not equal weakness. In the face of bad behavior, carelessness, general laziness, kindness does not mean that we turn the blind eye. Because under the surface, isn't that a form of unkindness, really?
What I mean is that allowing people to harm us, albeit there are different degrees of harm along the spectrum, aren't we creating conditions for that sort of habit to be carried over to other people in their circles? From my own personal experience, having someone stand-up and challenge me on some behavior of mine that is inappropriate makes me more mindful of this and gives me impetus to examine it and change. Hopefully to be a better person.
Another idea I recently heard on a course on non-violence being conducted by California Berkeley, is that when a person harms another person, they are doing damage to themselves, to their psyches. The example of soldiers returning from the Iraq war is given, where a study showed that those who had committed acts of violence were more prone to post-traumatic stress and depression. This was in comparison to those who had even arms or legs blown off, who adopted a more camaraderie attitude to their loss.
Prophet Mohammed was asked by someone from a group of people who were being oppressed, sir, what is the kindest thing I can do to my oppressor? The reply was that it was to prevent that person from oppressing you.
Back to the supervision of other people and providing them with honest feedback.
I recall many times in my life, with my job, where my supervisors provided me with no negative feedback at all. Looking back, I see now that it harmed me in the long-run, because it did not give me the opportunity to grow, and improve my capacities in that area. Not knowing where I stood with them, also was a source of stress. I often felt I was in a guessing game, where I had to try to read covert signals about where I stood with them.
I have a supervisor now, who used to be very daunting to me by the very abrasive nature of the feedback. Now I find that once I give her ten minutes to vent the bile out of her system about my latest chapter, she is much more easier and straight forward to deal with, than the other supervisor who seems to act quite covertly.
Yesterday I was chatting to a colleague about her experience of supervising a master's student. She told me how hard it was for this guy to take on board her feedback on his thesis, and how he would become defensive, annoyed and frustrated. He accused her and the other supervisor of destroying his creativity. Knowing my colleague, I know that her feedback would be sensitive, and very carefully thought with not an ounce of the bile my own supervisor has. He hardly realizes how lucky he is in that respect.
Yet I am of the opinion that being able to maintain sense of self and identity in the process of negative feedback is a crucial skill of human survival. Child raising techniques that cotton and cushion every harsh word or thought and schools where children are only praised, are only setting a person up for huge amounts of angst and stress in the future.
Rather teach a child or adult that no, they are not the perfect princes and princesses of mama, but instead flawed human beings, whose life will be one continuous distilling process to making them into the final perfection at the moment it is time to move on.
Teachability and bringing in a sense of humility in that learning is one of the greatest of virtues in my opinion.
Comments